signs and signifiers

I lied in bed last night, tears cemented around my weary eyes, a chubby little hand pressed against my cheek and a small sweet baby girl tucked into my armpit.  I was coated in chills, a headache that pounded with every heart beat, and the way my back was twisted to protect and cozy each child was absurd.  I am sure these moments will be categorized in the blissful memories section of my brain, as it seems we are so good on the whole at brainwashing ourselves, but for now I wanted to paint a real picture.  Something that shows our reality.  I have mastitis.  I am tired.  I am always questioning if I have love enough to spread around four children.  Everyone is wanting and honestly I rarely can attend to them all.  I am so grateful for my sweet husband and all he does, but he is going back to work next week and I am trying to imagine how our days will look then.

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Please do not judge me, the truth is I am not a sitter.  I am a maker and a doer and those things are hard to shake.  But even I know, these are pictures of what it looks like when mama does too much too soon.  When even apple pies are prioritized over her own health.  Granted they were delicious and thoroughly enjoyed, but my girl isn’t even yet two weeks old.  Slow down I say.

I don’t want to make it all seem doom and gloom; It is most certainly not.  It is the most beautiful thing I have ever imagined- watching four sweet siblings get to know each other, spending full days as a family of six, snuggling the softest being that ever was…  And all at the same time, I would be a fool to not include the fact that oh my goodness, this is hard.  I keep playing Michael Franti in my mind, asking myself, “Is your love enough?  Or can you love some more?”….  I believe I know the answer to that.  And I believe I know who deserves that love at the moment.

ME.

I am in bed for the next two days, watching new girl until my eyes bleed and drinking more water than I ever have before.  I am soaking up the autumn sunshine, through my window of course, and the lovely smell of our newborn baby girl.  Oh yes, I have plans.

4 thoughts on “signs and signifiers

  1. Sometimes our mind, body and spirit can have different flight plans. Which is ok. Your body needs a little rest…your spirit is alive and reminding you that it wants to keep doing and your mind is trying to adapt to changes and figure it all out. All will merge into one and you will find balance again. As always I love your blog. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Oh my it is soo hard sometimes. So hard and yet so beautiful and lovely at the same time too, right? How can that be, but it is. The pie is beautiful! I say that because I just put one in the oven that is a first attempt and I just have to laugh! But it will taste good! Many thoughts of quick healing and somehow some rest for you!!

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