When I grow up I want to sell cut flowers. At this point I have little faith in my abilities, the elements seem so large and unmanageable, mostly it is just a whisper of a belief that I even could, just over the line into worth trying. I began with the timidness of lies, little white lies that covered me up in case of failure.
That large plot is for potatoes.
Oh I will probably just cover it up with clover and try next year.
I don’t know why he plowed such a big spot!
But the truth is, I flagged it out just so. When I first started working out there in the wide open, I kept my head down when a car passed by, not willing to even straighten up and wave. I wondered how I looked out there clawing at the earth with a baby on my back and two boys wrestling in the tall grasses. Likely crazy I could only imagine.
Keeping my head down must have served a purpose because since then I have heaved and hoed many hunks of grass weighing more than me out of that bed. I have entertained those three boys under an umbrella while we waited for the rain cloud to pass so we could just finish one last row. I have covered up plants three nights in a row, hoping and pleading with old jack frost to ease up. And then I have woken up to find he gave me no mercy and willed myself to start over. I have hauled down our tools (and a baby) in a wooden cart more mornings than not. And I have worked hard. Really hard.
And guess what? Things are growing. With every seedling emerged I stand up a bit straighter. I have been waving to every car that passes by, even those I don’t recognize. Sometimes with a big smile too. I have been bold and said the words out loud of what I plan to do. Of what I hope to see out there growing in those rows. And as I dig my nails deeper into the soil, that whisper is growing into a hushed voice. And on really humid days just before a rain sometimes its loud enough to hear.
It is such a leap to begin believe in ourselves; To truly know we are all such worthy beings with little dreams inside. Little wishes just floating around waiting to fall onto the tip of our nose and grow.. grow… grow…