Our first baby (Mo Mo the cat), and our last two.
The first week solo is going better than I could have anticipated. No disasters (knocking on wood!), no public humiliation (you know the possibilities I am talking about… three boys gone mad in a grocery store and a screaming new-born… for instance?), not even any large sibling disputes! Little sleep, but that is nothing new, and lots of dishes and laundry but goodness, what else can you expect?
I would have to say the highlights have been the bigger boys independence and obsession with the wood shop. They are out there before breakfast and are “closing down the shop” after dark each day and its pretty cute. I am not entirely sure what they are doing out there but I am sure they are enjoying themselves. The littlest boy is so dear to the baby it melts me. Every morning when he realizes he is cuddled near a sweet little cherub he announces “OH! Hi cute baby! Pretty hair, awwwww!” and we giggle and smile with our eyes still sealed shut. And one other little thing that is topping the list of favorites this week, is dressing up my little girl Willow. Oh the frills and poofs and dresses and shoes. I am trying to be reasonable, and focus on cozy, but I promise you it is work because (wo)man, these clothes are cute.
Thank you Chris and Lauren for the amazing bin of clothes from Summer! I remember them all on her very well and these booties are amazing!
I lied in bed last night, tears cemented around my weary eyes, a chubby little hand pressed against my cheek and a small sweet baby girl tucked into my armpit. I was coated in chills, a headache that pounded with every heart beat, and the way my back was twisted to protect and cozy each child was absurd. I am sure these moments will be categorized in the blissful memories section of my brain, as it seems we are so good on the whole at brainwashing ourselves, but for now I wanted to paint a real picture. Something that shows our reality. I have mastitis. I am tired. I am always questioning if I have love enough to spread around four children. Everyone is wanting and honestly I rarely can attend to them all. I am so grateful for my sweet husband and all he does, but he is going back to work next week and I am trying to imagine how our days will look then.
Please do not judge me, the truth is I am not a sitter. I am a maker and a doer and those things are hard to shake. But even I know, these are pictures of what it looks like when mama does too much too soon. When even apple pies are prioritized over her own health. Granted they were delicious and thoroughly enjoyed, but my girl isn’t even yet two weeks old. Slow down I say.
I don’t want to make it all seem doom and gloom; It is most certainly not. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever imagined- watching four sweet siblings get to know each other, spending full days as a family of six, snuggling the softest being that ever was… And all at the same time, I would be a fool to not include the fact that oh my goodness, this is hard. I keep playing Michael Franti in my mind, asking myself, “Is your love enough? Or can you love some more?”…. I believe I know the answer to that. And I believe I know who deserves that love at the moment.
I am in bed for the next two days, watching new girl until my eyes bleed and drinking more water than I ever have before. I am soaking up the autumn sunshine, through my window of course, and the lovely smell of our newborn baby girl. Oh yes, I have plans.
I was lucky to present enough in the last moments of pregnancy, to hold my baby inside me and remember to remember. The birth was peaceful in a way I have never experienced, leaving me to have memories of the day that are is vivid and clear, rather than muffled and filled with pain. Joyful though they all have been, something about this last birth was so settling, so smooth and serene, that I cannot help but close my eyes in order to hold back tears when thinking about it. I sat in the water on my knees, hands placed on my belly, with so much knowledge that in this life, I will not feel this sensation again. But now, I have this deep memory. This big moment that is now part my every fiber. Moments later I took a long drink of black cohosh, and before I could even swallow it all, I was in the throes of the ends of labor; Meeting her only three contractions later. In the dark of the new moon, I held our baby girl in the first blissful moments of her life. Thin bowed legs relaxed under water, kitten eyes still sealed shut, sweet little lips licking at the warm moist air for the first time.
Willow Patricia Moon
born at home September 29, 2016
7 pounds 4 ounces
under the care of the most amazing midwife and assistants
and of course surrounded by the love of her three brothers and amazing daddy